Sex, Lies and Secrets: Is Secrecy Destroying Your Marriage?
Posted: Tuesday, March 25, 2008
by Richard Nicastro
http://www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
After the story broke that New York governor Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes, relationship experts popped up on every news channel, dispensing theories about Mr. Spitzer's behavior. Opinions about why a married man (and one with a great deal to lose) would behave this way ranged from him having unmet needs to sociopathic tendencies. One expert even suggested that "men are ruled by their genitals." In all the analyses of this scandal, though, what no one brought up was the role of secrets.
In my therapy practice I've worked with both men and women who were unfaithful, and many who were on the verge of starting an affair. There are many reasons why someone makes the decision to cheat on their spouse or partner--one often overlooked dynamic has to do with the power and lure of living in a secretive world.
The Power of Secrets
Some people are drawn to the idea of keeping secrets. Whether the secret involves an extra-marital affair, gambling, shopping, or alcohol/drugs, keeping a secret seems to hold a special meaning for the secret-holder, beyond the content of what is kept hidden. For obvious reasons, secrets spell big trouble for your marriage or relationship.
True intimacy cannot exist when you build walls of secrecy around each other.
Let's look at five reasons you might keep secrets from your partner (or vice versa):
1. The Secret as an escape
Here the secret acts as an escape hatch from a mundane or distressing reality that you feel little control over. People who feel trapped in painful marriages are vulnerable to creating a secret life that promises relief from the heartache of a deteriorating relationship. For some, the secret might involve emotional infidelity; others might have a physical affair. The secretive relationship can exist for many years alongside one's marriage or the affair can act as catalyst to leaving an unwanted relationship.
2. The Secret as a source of energy
The function of this type of secret is similar to escapism but the emphasis is on the charged energy you feel when you enter into the secretive world. The secret is seen as offering a much-needed adrenaline boost to a lackluster life. One client who had a gambling addiction (that was kept hidden from his family) described how his secretive life made him feel "alive" in ways that eluded him in his day-to- day life. People who remain overly repressed and constrained in their relationships (and in general) are prone to this type of secret.
3. The Secret as affirmation of your disowned self
Typically, people behave differently in their secretive world: The individual who feels stepped-on in his life seeks omnipotence; the high powered executive who bullied his/her way to the top becomes helplessly submissive; the dutiful, and highly ethical husband is transformed into the bad, punishable child. When deep- seated fears of rejection and shame block you from bringing all of yourself into your marriage or relationship, secrets become a powerful way to express these disowned (polar-opposite) parts of yourself.
4. The Secret as an avoidance of intimacy
For many, emotional intimacy is the life energy that makes them feel alive and whole; but for others, a deep connection to another becomes a strait jacket to be avoided--fear of intimacy is a reality for many couples. When you struggle with fears of intimacy, you struggle to maintain your autonomy, while also attempting to give of yourself emotionally. This is a balancing act that does not come easy. When intimacy is being avoided, the creation of a secretive life acts as a possession, a line drawn in the sand that delineates you from your partner or spouse.
5. The Secret as a means of control/power
In a sense, all secrets give you a greater sense of control. At lease initially. This usually changes at some point, as your secretive life spirals out of control--which is often the case when you try to hold onto secrets while being in an intimate relationship. But for some, their secrets are designed to act as a means of power over their spouse--a way of controlling something, anything, that their partner cannot have access to. The importance of this secret is that you gain a sense of control over your partner by maintaining a secretive existence.
The need to keep secrets originates out of an early need to protect yourself. When a relationship (or some aspect of a relationship) becomes intolerable to a child, s/he begins to retreat, hiding within the protective world of secrets. A child who has been emotionally injured learns to count on the reliability and safety of secrets.
The challenge for all of us is to create a relationship that feels safe, a union that allows a deep and rich sharing of ourselves. When our hard work and commitment pays off in the form of a mutual haven of intimacy and respect, the heavy curtain of secrecy will lift, allowing a true connection to flourish.
To receive tips on building deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you."
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich is co-founder of LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)DR, good article on a very necessary subject. I would be interested in age and longevity factors for older married couples. Urges yes, possibilities perhaps but what keeps them from not? Anything to offer? I believe it is committment and love, You know for better or worse. Good article. RTMPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hi Robert, Thank you for your feedback. I agree with your statement about the importance of commitment. Sometimes it is shear commitment that keeps couples honest, faithful and on track. I also believe that our relationship role-models play an important part in the type of marriage and relationships we create (something I didn't mention in the article). Thanks again, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Great article, Richard. I think you covered all the bases. So very many different reasons for being unfaithful--"Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places" is a fitting expression. I have known a few women who had numerous affairs, actually keeping track of the number of different men, thinking this proved that they could be loved or were still attractive to the opposite sex.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Sandra, Thanks for your comment. Hopefully if couples become mindful of the conditions that lead to affairs, they'll be more likely to work through these complex issues and avoid the devastating impact of infidelity. I agree that there are many reasons why people become unfaithful--the secret-dynamic just one of the many reasons. Thanks, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Doctor: I believe you have hit some nails directly on the head with a heavy hammer. I appreciate your insights... I've had trouble dealing with what the ex-gov did; it just bothers the daylights outta me. Your article helped to deal with my feelings. Thank youPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hi Zeke, Thanks for responding. I share your strong feelings about the ex-governor's outrageous behaviors. It's these feelings that lead me to write about the power and dangers of secrets for some people. Warmly, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
I personally feel that visiting a 'clean' prostitute (I know not all are, but the ones that are have regular HIV checks etc) is far better and safer than an actual affair. There is less risk of disease, pregnancy and of course actual 'comittment'. What women fear more than anything else when men cheat is that another woman has their mans heart. With prostitutes, it is less likely to be about love and more about sex and escape. Of the two evils, I would prefer neither but this to me is the least of them.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Creative Blogger, I imagine that both options you mention (non-committal extra-marital sex and/or an emotional affair) are devastating to the faithful partner, but your point is well taken. Thanks for the commentPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Uncle Rich, I can only say how proud I am to read this amazing article you've written!! We've spoken about Spitzer and sch at school but definitely not to this extent. ahhh! I love you so much and MISS YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY :) Your article is just as amazing as you are! I love you, BrittPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hey Brittany, I'm so glad you liked the article! It's great that you are able to talk about this issue at school. Unfortunately, when people are kind, loving and committed to each other, it doesn't make the news--we hear only about the bad stuff, but there are tons of good. I love and miss you too--hopefully we'll see each other soon! Love Uncle RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Rich, Nicely done. A very insightful article. Thanks.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi James, Thanks for your comment. I always appreciate your input. RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
hi richard, very well written article on what seems to be a very common occurrence. i personally would love to know how mrs. stood next to mr. after her world came tumbling down. if it had been me, something would have been tumbling down, but it wouldn't have been my world :) thanks for sharing, best regards, sue thomPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hello Susan, Thank you for replying. I also wondered how his wife stood next to him! She must have been holding onto so many intense feelings. While I try to make sense of his out-of-control behavior, there are no excuses for what occurred--Ms. Spitzer is the only victim in all of this. Thanks again, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Well written, thought provoking and it just made me think. Thank you for a well written article that you obviously thought about for a long time.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Mr. Keith, Thank you for reading and commenting on my article. The biggest compliment is when something you've written makes someone think. Thanks, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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