Marriage Problems: Are Power Struggles Destroying Your Relationship?
Posted: Tuesday, August 26, 2008
by Richard Nicastro
http://www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
In the past you were
single…
…a
Your favorite color was red and you liked small, fast cars
(as in Cherry Red Sports Car, beloved even though you wrenched your back
getting in and out);
The one bedroom apartment felt "cozy" and "just
right," so you signed the longest lease you could get;
You decided to get a tattoo … a few Margaritas later,
"I love Hank" was scrawled across your shoulder. (Unfortunately, you
don't know any Hanks.)
Then "you"
became a "we"…
…when you fell head over heels in love and made a commitment
to another person (and a commitment to the relationship). And suddenly the
two-seater is inadequate because it can't hold groceries; the apartment is
woefully too small for the visiting in-laws; and your significant other gives
you a gift certificate for the newest boutique in town: "Tats: You Get
'Em, We Strip 'Em."
You probably wouldn't argue with the fact that certain
responsibilities come with being part of an intimate, committed relationship
(you now exist as part of an "us," in addition to being a
"me"). You could even make the argument that these responsibilities are
part of what make being in love so rewarding.
One such responsibility includes consulting with your partner whenever you're faced with an
important decision. The thinking here is that big decisions impact both of you,
so it only makes sense to ask about your partner's opinions and feelings
regarding any potentially important decision.
Major problems can
arise when…
…you equate consulting with your partner with a loss of freedom and control in your life. Relationship
problems arise when you fail to learn the give-and-take
two-step-the relationship dance all couples must become skilled at in order
to create a harmonious relationship.
Here's the basic premise of the give-and-take two-step
(don't worry if you have two left feet, it's pretty simple, at least on paper):
Step 1: You give to your partner by acknowledging and
meeting her/his wishes and needs.
Step 2: You take (receive) when your partner acknowledges
and meets your wishes and needs.
Step 3: Repeat steps 1 and 2 often.
Here's the great thing about the give-and-take two-step: there
will be moments when there is no difference between giving and receiving. If
it's meaningful to see your partner happy and content, you will experience the
gift of receiving every time you give to your partner. No one loses in this dance!
Unfortunately, many fail to learn to do the give-and-take, and
there's another dance that many couples start doing instead.
Enter the
power-struggle shuffle
The power-struggle shuffle
feeds off a destructive "I'm right, you're wrong" energy. In this dance, your ego fights for top billing
and equates the idea of "giving to"
your partner with "giving in"
or losing.
Rather than experience the joys of "giving to,"
the ego runs on the treadmill of illusion, seeking areas of the relationship
where it can feel in control and claim victory. Needing to win or feel in
control is the death-knell to compromise and intimacy. When one of you loses,
so does the relationship. As long as the "win-lose" tempo keeps the
power-struggle shuffle alive, the gifts of intimacy will never be realized.
The playing field of
power struggles: Making decisions
Power struggles often emerge when couples have to make
decisions. It doesn't matter if you and your partner are butting heads over how
much to tip the wait-staff, what school to send Junior to, or where to buy a new
house, power struggles reflect the need to feel in control.
Mutuality and
compromise: the antidote to power struggles
Many factors contribute to a successful marriage. A major
contributor to success is learning how to become a team player, replacing the selfishness of the ego with an
"us" and "we" mentality. Becoming a team player doesn't
mean you abandon your identity and forgo opportunities to get your own needs
met. What it does mean, however, is that you've made a commitment to another
person and to something bigger than each of you-the relationship.
3 steps to compromise:
The first step in learning to compromise is to acknowledge (to yourself and your
partner) that the person you fell in love with is a unique individual with his/her
own wishes, needs, preferences, and experiences.
The second step in learning to compromise is to accept your partner's uniqueness.
Needing to be in control of decisions is a major block to accepting that your
partner's perspective is both different from your own and valid.
The third step in learning to compromise is to create enough
space so that each of you has a voice
in the decision-making process. This space is created when judgment is
suspended and you and your partner take the time and effort to understand each other's perspective-even
when you disagree with him/her.
Why can't I
compromise?
If you find that you're having trouble compromising, it's
important to understand your own struggle and resistance (rather than focusing
your energies on what you perceive to be your partner's unreasonableness). A
period of self-reflection in these moments can lead you down a path of self-discovery.
When you find yourself resisting and unable to compromise, reflect on the following
questions:
Why is this so difficult for me? What is fueling my
resistance (e.g. fear, anger, resentment, etc.)?
What would happen if I give in a little?
What would I have to let go of in order to compromise?
One surefire way to drive a wedge between you and your
partner is to begin making decisions as if you were single again. This is
guaranteed to make your partner or spouse feel marginalized and before you know
it, you'll be single again and you won't have to consult with anyone except your
lonely self.
To discover ways to
create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's free monthly Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you will
receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your
relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you
argue…before your arguments control you."
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Richard, I got a call from a relaly good friend, married 32 years, a decent guy by his works and deeds. Very silent, not out going always a hard worker and provider. His wife, well eccentric but a really good person as well all of asudden says to him we are done. That is after 32 years and one chlld. Never loved you, don't love her own child and doesn't want or need help, go? What goes on here? Now I can say by example her actions have been very strange for a long time. This man goes out of his way to please her and she tells him go. It seems in his words he was looking for help but she, well, she is strange and once she decides, no change in her at all. You mentioned it here. Her way or no way. He tells me it has been the way for years. Sadly he is 72, she 63. A hell of a time to find out you don't love someone any longer. Good job on a very difficult topic.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Robert,
thanks for the feedback and I'm sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. It's devastating to receive such news, especially after 32 years and no warning signs. I hope they receive the support they'll need during the enormous changes ahead for the both of them.
Peace,
RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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