Communication Clinic: 5 Ways to Get Your Husband to Listen
Posted: Wednesday, April 01, 2009
by Richard Nicastro
http://www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
What motivates someone to listen to another person?
Understanding this question will help you work toward more effective listening
in your own marriage or relationship.
1. Clear message, favorable outcome
Clearly communicating your needs is the foundation of
effective communication and a healthy relationship. Marriage counselors often
focus on improving a couple's communication skills; a breakdown in
communication often leads to significant marriage and relationship problems.
Unfortunately, many couples have discovered that clearly
communicating their needs, while necessary, doesn't always work out as planned.
Unless, of course, you found that mythic creature, the altruistic listener--the kind
of listener depicted in romance novels and films. The altruistic listener hears
a message once and responds as you hoped. He's always responsive, is interested
and concerned about you
and therefore interested in what you have to say. (If you find such a person, you
may want to grab on tightly and not let go.)
Most of us end up in a marriage or relationship with the sluggish, self-absorbed listener (SSL).
They really do mean well. But they're overworked, overextended, overwhelmed,
and, like most of us, have their own emotional baggage to sort out. When communicating with an SSL, sometimes
sending a clear message leads to a favorable outcome (what you hoped for); at
other times, it doesn't. That's why other communication methods are often needed.
No matter who the listener is, you should never abandon the
clear message principle.
2. Give a
little, get a little
This is the carrot-at-the-end-of-the-stick communication. This
type of "give and take" is a natural part of any relationship. This communication
approach is effective for two reasons:
First, it shows your partner that you are a giving person
and this may stir his/her own desire to give back (giving is often contagious);
Second, this type of communication underscores the importance
of fairness and compromise in relationships. For example, saying, "I'm
running out to buy us dinner, can you straighten up the house a little until I
get back?" implies that it would only be fair that your partner do his
part since you are taking the time and effort to get dinner.
You can rely more heavily on this approach when it's
apparent that your spouse/partner needs some incentive (a nudge) to put on
his/her best listening ears and get his sluggish self in high gear.
3. A little appreciation
goes a long way
Despite the complexities of the human mind, many of us
respond like Golden Retrievers when it comes to receiving a little praise. In
other words, when you make your husband feel good about something he's done, you
increase the likelihood that he will repeat that behavior.
Parents do this all the time with children and you may
already do this instinctively. For instance, your husband cuts the lawn and you
say, "Wow, the lawn looks great!" In that simple statement you showed
gratitude for the job he didand gratitude will make him feel appreciated
(which, in turn, will make him more likely to mow the lawn next time).
Compare this kind of appreciation to no feedback or saying
something like, "Good thing you finally cut the lawn, it was looking like
a jungle out there." In this instance, you're highlighting the
negativeessentially the message is that he should cut the grass and his laziness made the grass look
terrible. But when you comment on a job well done, you've made him feel
appreciated, thereby reinforcing his grass-cutting behavior.
It's human nature to feel good about yourself when someone
you care about shows gratitude for something you've done. You can never heap
too much gratitude and thanks onto your spouse/partnerunless, of course, it's insincere.
For many couples, danger lies in not showing enough appreciation because they've come to expect
certain things from one another.
A little praise goes a long way in getting someone to
listen.
4. You catch
more flies with honey than vinegar
I cannot emphasize this point enough: The way in which you
say something (how you package your message) can make all the difference in
whether your words get through to your partner (and have the intended impact)
or end up unheard, gathering dust in his mental spam-filter.
As the speaker, your top priority is to have your words
heard, to prevent the listener from becoming defensive or tuning out. Ultimately,
you want your message to impact the
listener in such a way that s/he has been alerted of your needs and motivated
to follow through and meet your needs.
Example of Vinegar:
"Can't you see I'm up to my elbows in this mess? Don't
you think of anybody but yourself? At least take out the garbage!"
Example of Honey:
"Life is so much easier when you help out. Can you take
out the garbage?"
It's usually best to use the honey approach or the
appreciation approach when trying to get your message across to your
spouse/partner.
5. The
Reprimand (aka: The slap on the wrist)
If you're like most people, once in a while you will say and
do something that is upsetting to your partner, and your partner will do the
same (you're only human, after all); when this occurs it may be important to address
the troubling issuewith the goal of stopping your partner from repeating the upsetting
behavior.
But what if you've told him several times to stop a certain
unwanted behavior (for example, to stop joking about your new hairstyle), yet
despite your best efforts, he continues on this insensitive path?
Hopefully it won't get to this point, but there will be
times that you'll have to up the communication ante and be more forceful. In
these instances, your partner may need to hear a firm, "I asked you not to
make fun of my hairit's inappropriate and cruel! Stop it already!" And
you may find that you need to add something like, "If you continue to say
hurtful things, I'll have no choice but to see you less." (Admittedly,
that's harder to follow through on if you live together)
As you can tell, The Reprimand packs an emotional punch to
help get your point across.
It's best to use this approach when the other four communication
methods described above fail to work (however, make sure you give them ample
time). Having to rely too heavily on The
Reprimand may indicate the existence of underlying relationship problems that
need to be addressed in marriage or couples counseling.
If you automatically rely on The Reprimand (when it isn't
necessarily warranted) to get what you want, take a few deep breaths and slow
down. Begin adding the other methods to your communication repertoire and
practice them until they become a natural part of your marriage or
relationship. In doing so, you may find
that the doors of mutual, effective communication are starting to open.
To discover more
relationship tips, visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
When you sign up you
will also receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can
topple your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the
way you argue before your arguments control you."
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping
individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Hi Richard,Some excellent advice. The adage 'You catch more flies with honey than vinegar' is very true. I remember hearing it quite a lot when I was growing up, but I haven't heard it for years. The oldies are often the best. Simple, direct and apt.My one problem with your advice, all of which I give generally to my own daughter and sons when they moan about their spouses, is that it is very one-sided. I know, your article is titled "....get your husband to listen" and that it is wives who complain that their husbands don't do enough, etc., but it is true, they don't - this is proven statistically. However, wives would like some of the same back. Instead, we have to be the parent in this respect, praising, encouraging, acknowledging, holding out the carrot all the time, whilst getting on with most of everything else all the time, usually while holding down a job as well and taking care of and organizing the children. All of what you say is good advice, but there is never enough emphasis on the fact that men need to basically just grow up in terms of relationships and fair play. For example, why should I say to my husband, or my adult son, 'Thanks for helping me with the dishes,' or 'you did a great job hanging out the clothes' when they never say such things to me, or even think of it. Are they helping me? Why should it be help? Isn't this as much their responsibility as it is mine? It would never occur to them, or I'm sure to the vast majority of men to say to their wives or sisters or daughters (unless the daughters are very young) 'thanks for helping me with the dishes' or 'you did a great job hanging out the clothes.'Women have been making this same complaint since Libber days, with little improvement, (too much vinegar?) and I can understand that when one part of society changes everything, you can't then expect the other to just buy into it holis bolis; but it's been nearly 40 years now. It is only when men start saying it to each other, and meaning and recognizing it, that there will be more fair play and better relationships for everyone.I'm interested to know what you think about this.Cheers, HannahPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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