It's the Perfect Time of Year to Count Your Marital Blessings
Posted: Wednesday, November 18, 2009
by Richard Nicastro
http://www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
Marriage, Thanksgiving and gratitude: A perfect match!
You have the power to strengthen your marriage, make your spouse feel special and change your mood at this very moment--How is this all possible?
By sowing the seeds of gratitude.
Research shows that when you increase feelings of gratitude, a domino effect occurs and you begin to experience other positive changes as well, such as increased overall happiness. If you've ever been told to "count your blessings," you should have listened.
At some point in your relationship you will take your partner for granted. There's really no way around this. Don't panic-this doesn't mean you love your partner any less or that your marriage or relationship is troubled. (After all, most of us take life for granted at one time or another, but that doesn't mean we don't love being alive!) Patterns develop in relationships that lead us to expect certain things from our partners. The joy and tenderness that was once stirred by a morning hug or warm greeting can get lost because of sheer repetition or busy lives that compete for attention.
Gratitude is the antidote to taking your spouse/partner for granted.
First and foremost, gratitude is a mindset.
Gratitude is not a one-time event but rather a mindset that requires cultivation. A gratitude mindset can refocus your attention, pointing out all the small, easily over-looked things your partner does. It reminds you that your wife didn't have to phone "just to say hello" or that your husband didn't have to cook dinner after a long, exhausting day.
The gratitude mindset silences anti-appreciative thoughts like, "She's supposed to do that…" or "He's just doing what any father should do…" When you embrace gratitude and make it part of your inner dialogue, you'll hear yourself saying, "She's such a thoughtful person" or "Our children are lucky to have him as a father."
Adopting the mindset of gratitude takes commitment. But, if you decide to become more consistently grateful for your spouse or partner, look what you'll get in return: you'll feel better about yourself and your relationship; you'll feel more positive and optimistic about the future of your marriage or relationship; your partner will sense this optimism and positive outlook and therefore will feel appreciated, and will become infected by the spread of gratitude.
Your Gratitude Checklist:
~ Begin to notice all the small things your partner does, especially all the things you typically expect him/her to do. The next time your wife gets the children fed and off to school before heading to work, notice the love, dedication and multi-tasking skills involved in this activity.
~ Be open to your partner's uniqueness. Remind yourself of all the reasons you are drawn to your partner. What is it about this person that made you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her?
~ See things from a fresh perspective. He's made you coffee every morning for the last three years; She's stopped to pick up takeout each Friday after work for the last year; Rather than going the typical route of a bakery, he bakes your birthday cake each year (forget, for a moment, the fact that it tasted like soot)… It's easy to get used to these repetitive, kind gestures and it's even easier to rationalize them as something most people would do-take my word for it, not everyone would do all the special things your partner does.
~ Each evening, mentally revisit the time you spent with your partner that day--focus on the highlights. Notice the conversations you had, the things s/he did. Think of which unique traits that your partner possesses were on display that day (e.g., her sense of humor, the way she smiles, his tenderness).
~ Stop and smell the coffee (that perhaps your partner brewed). Allow yourself the time to feel grateful for what you're noticing. Become absorbed in your appreciation and savor the experience. Since capturing things on paper can help you slow down and mindfully focus on things you're grateful for, write down what you're noticing and appreciating in your partner. The few minutes this will take is well worth the effort.
~ Share your gratitude to your partner in a way that feels meaningful to you. This can be direct (telling your partner how you feel) or indirect (doing something thoughtful for your partner). Gratitude should be expressed as often as possible.
Remember: although it might feel like human nature to focus on what isn't working, it's most gratifying and rewarding to begin with an awareness and appreciation of the strengths that you and your spouse bring to the relationship. So this Thanksgiving, between the turkey and the pumpkin pie, don't forget to focus on all the little ways you and your spouse show your love each and every day.
Discover what the power of gratitude and forgiveness can do for your marriage or relationship. The Art of Forgiveness Workbook for Couples.
And don't forget to sign up for Dr. Nicastro's free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. His marital and relationship advice has been featured on televison, radio and in national magazines.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Good advice - more and more I am so thankful for the wonderful gift given to me by the Lord, my hubby! and I tell him too!! MarijoPlease log in to respond to this comment.Hello Marijo, I appreciate your feedback! It sounds like you're very generous with your appreciation and gratitude. It makes such an enormous difference when you make gratitude a regular part of your relationships and life--way to go!Please log in to respond to this comment.I am just glad the Lord brought Mick and me together and grow more reflective and encouraged as the years go by - we are approaching 25 years together and hope to re-do our honeymoon of camping along the Oregon coast!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Good points Richard,I find that if I wake up in a lousy mood, I am not grateful for anything. However, whaen I start my day talking to God, then the rest is good. I could never amke it without Mark. Attitude is everything!Blessings,MichellePlease log in to respond to this comment.Thanks so much Michelle for your comment. I think you're right on: attitude is everything! And we all need ways to boost our attitude when life feels a little too challenging. Peace and blessings to you, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Richard, Great article. Well-written and a great Gratitude Checklist. Thanks for sharing this to us. Never take your spouse for granted...excellent advice. Best to you and yours, ~Nenita~Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Nenita, thank you so much for your generous praise! I'm so glad the article was meaningful to you. All best, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
I have to say I've lucked out in this department. My husband always says thanks for the great dinner, thanks for doing the laundry, he surprises me with flowers for no reason. He's a good guy and I'm lucky to have him. Your article is a wonderful reminder not to take him and all he does for granted.Please log in to respond to this comment.Hi Brianna, I very much appreciate your comments and support. Doesn't having a grateful spouse make all the difference? It sounds like you're very lucky to have him (and I'm sure he's also lucky to have you!). Peace, RichPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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